I learned this firsthand when I texted Shino asking him what days he was working because my Japanese housemate wanted to meet him. As soon as I told her this, she flipped out. "MELISSA," she said (and we were at a restaurant so she kind of shook the table), "THAT'S SO BRAVE!"
Was it? The look on my face was one of mixed feelings, namely girl are you forreal and did you just spill some of my food when you shook the table? In the US, this kind of thing is totally normal. Maybe not something you'd do depending on how shy you are, but it's definitely not out of the ordinary. I mean, you wanna know and he has a phone, so why not, right?
But what I learned in Japan is that straight up asking something like that is out of the ordinary. Not enough to be a cultural manifesto, but certainly enough to make you the odd one out at the dinner table. Suddenly, because of a simple question, you are the Brave One. You have Guts. You can Get Your Ass Out There and Text a Guy a Question!
Let me just say this, though: I've met my fair share of equally Gutsy, Brave and YGYAOTTGQ-esque Japanese girls. They, like me, disregard boundary lines. They don't care how long they've known him, if they have a question they will ask it and if it's not answered, they will send a witty and well-crafted reminder message. They will prove to the world that they don't care whether or not he'll think she's too upfront. They will do what they want, just like me (although in my case it's probably because I'm blissfully unaware of most emotional consequences. These girls are, however, smart).
Maki-chan, my housemate, told me she could never say anything like that unless she was really close to him or if they were dating. A question like "what days are you working" could be construed as anywhere from "Oh, she's going to come in and see me on those days" to "She's that interested in me that she wants to know my work schedule?" And those possibilities, she explained, were frightening if he was the person you liked and you two were just friends. Being upfront is a minus sometimes, she told me. What if you're too upfront and it causes unwanted injury?
Which is a concern everywhere, of course. Nobody wants to get hurt, that's a universal thing. But apparently it's not as common in Japan to bite the bullet and just go for it, even if your text may receive a reply that says, "Tomorrow, Wednesday and Sunday" with a smiley face at the end.
2. Japanese people in clubs don't dance.
Conservative Americans concerned with the ever-sinking waistline of low-rise jeans and the surging popularity of rap music, have your field day: bumpin' and grindin' doesn't exist in Japan.
Let me clarify that: it does, but most couples who do it are either foreigners or about to get married. But as opposed to American clubs where people are:
* grinding,
* dancing in a circle (usually more than a few people),
* up against the wall (see the first point),
* standing around the bar trying to look cool with a drink in their hand,
People in Japanese clubs are usually:
* swaying to the music/tapping their feet/acknowledging that a rhythm exists though not actually doing anything about it,
* dancing in twos (usually girls, side-by-side, and not so much dancing as moving their arms around and trying to shake a little hip),
* standing around in lines,
* crowded around the bar ordering too many drinks at a time.
Now yes, I may be generalizing, but the difference is there and I ain't making it up. When my friends and I went out, we were among the only ones dancing in a crowd--everyone else was just kind of standing there. You know when you go to a concert and people stand in rows facing the front and just kind of sway? Yeah, that's exactly how it went. It was a little better when we went again on a Saturday instead of a Friday, but it was more packed and thus a lot more uncomfortable. I mean, one guy punched me in the face, and I never did anything to him except maybe elbow him in the side. But not on purpose!
I did see a girl once get all up on a guy I'm positive she didn't know, but this story is awkward and unfit for public re-telling. But, mind you, that only happened once.
I've brought this point up to others who have lived in Japan, and they all agree--there just isn't a lot of back-to-front action in Japanese clubs. Yea or nay? Your call.
3. If you like someone, you run to the opposite side of the room and avoid any and all possible communication with that person.*
Remember when you were that shy, timid 8-year-old who REALLY SUPER LIKED that kid in your class with the cool haircut and the awesome backpack, but you just could not talk to himfor fear that you would a) forget the English language, b) vomit all over yourself or c) burst into tears?
Well, this is only slightly like that because we are all adults and it's more of a thought-out tactic than anything (in most cases). But in Japan, if you want to get someone's attention in that way, you basically ignore them.
I have to say, though, that this is pretty ingenious and also takes a lot of self-control that I will never have because I am a child of the Millennial Generation. Think about it: you're with a bunch of your friends and one of them introduces you to a guy. He says hi, you say hi, and he's cute and shares your interest in post-apocalyptic science fiction novels (just go with it). Naturally you kind of like him.
So what do you do? Simple. For all the times you see him again, you don't talk to him. You make sparse eye contact and focus all your attention on everyone else. He will be SO UTTERLY CONFUSED that he will want to know why you're acting like this, and thus begins his interest in you past post-apocalyptic science fiction novels and your cute smile. He wants to know what brought about your change in demeanor. He wants to know why you suddenly won't look at him.
And with that, you've got him hooked.
Isn't this the most sneaky and underhanded tactic there is? There you go. That's why it's genius.
* Note: This does not work on guys who have brains like bricks, a.k.a. they Can't Get a Clue, a.k.a. they're denser than a block of cement. If you find someone like this, I'm sorry. I've been there. It's a workout.
4. It's not about whether or not he's your Facebook friend (they use Mixi here anyway). It's not even about the phone number. It's all about the phone e-mail.
The day I got (okay, Massiel got it and she shared with me) Shino's phone e-mail, I did a happy dance out the door. The day I actually asked him if I could start exchanging e-mails with him (why do I sound like a misplaced teenager from the '50s?) and he said "Yeah, sure!", I did cartwheels down the sidewalk.
Because this is step one.
It's like texting. No one calls anymore, right? If a guy asks you for your phone number, chances are he's not going to actually give you a ring. You two will text from midnight until dawn. In Japan, cell phone companies made this easier by giving people phone e-mails for free. Forget e-mail on the computer, forget Facebook on your computer. You have your social network on your sleek little phone. You have his e-mail and a wish and really sweaty palms.
And from there, no matter what the country, it's all the same. You go insane when your phone vibrates because it might be him. You spend too much time writing a text because a) it's in Japanese and b) you want it to sound just right by not saying too much and also by not overstepping any boundaries and therefore committing unwarranted cultural faux paus. Easy!
5. Hugs are embarrassing.
Straight out of the Japanese XY-chromosome's mouth: "Hugs are embarrassing!"
Then we threw ourselves on him in a fit of foreign diplomacy (wink, wink).
Just kidding. I would nev--okay.
Still, though, while it is a generalization to say that all Japanese guys find hugs embarrassing, the truth is that it's definitely harder to get a hug over there than it is here. In America, people you don't even know will give you a full-body squeeze! (How is it that the actual description of 'hug' sounds so much dirtier than the word itself?) You can ask anyone for a hug and they'll be like, "Sure, sweetie!"
But in Japan, hugs are intimate things. Hugs usually always mean something. You don't throw yourself on a Japanese person for a hug unless you're both really, really close or really, really drunk or you're confessing your love to that person while you are wasted (just trying to get all the possibilities out there). Hugs are the climaxes in romantic novels, manga, dramas and movies. Not sloppy, all-over-the-place-too-much-tongue kisses, but hugs.
So if you find yourself not having the best day and all you need is a hug to make it better? Hopefully you're not in Japan. And if you are...well, there are some really cute pillows on the market.
6. How to tell him you like him: you actually just tell him.
Despite the fact that romance in Japan seems to be the very definition of subtle and understated, here is where they concept gets totally thrown out the window. After you've ignored the guy you like and played hard to get and texted him very carefully worded mails for a long time, what do you do? How do you finally let him know what's up?
You tell him. Straight-out. You CONFESS. (Dun-dun-dun.)
Over the years I have decided that confessing your feelings is the way to go, because as I said, I am a child of the Millenial Generation and I like fast things. It just works, especially if you won't see him for a long time or if you're sick and tired of flirting and playing games and you just want to have him know that you fancy the ass off him.
Remember subtlety? Remember mind games? Remember being sneaky? Yeah, forget all of that. The language of a confession is as simple as: "Hey, I like you!" Too complicated and you'll lose his attention--you know, all that attention you worked so hard to ignore him for.
Just make sure you tell him in a language he understands. Because even if he says he knows English? The chances are low that he'll be able to understand you babbling about your feelings at a rate of 150 words per second.
The end! (for now...)
